Verbalising feelings

The quote below is taken from the "how to mom" blog http://www.howtomom.info/2012/02/verbalizing-feelings.html. By verbalising feelings we feel calmer - the blog gives a link to a scientific paper explaining from a physical point of view the areas of the brain that are affected.

I was very aware of how a friend ("A") at the weekend was dealing with her daughter who's 2 in a few days time. "A" was helping her daughter verbalise "being cross". She was also giving clear reasons for why she was asking her to do things (eg "Put those [branches of holly berries] down. The berries can make you poorly"). "A" is training to be a psychiatrist and is very calm when dealing with her feisty toddler. I found it very helpful to see these things in practice.

I would like to help J verbalise more - at this stage he doesn't have much vocabulary (though since last Friday he now says a very clear "choc-let" - in exactly the same way as the "Little Britain" Fatfighters character Marjorie Dawes does :-) ) - so it's a question of me giving him the words to help label the frustration etc.

I see other people who deal with toddler outbursts with too much reassurance or criticism - "there's no need for all that" or "what's the matter now?" (these are things I have heard people say to J). I will try and keep a log of how I deal with different things over a few days - it's too easy (especially since we're so busy) to just deal with whatever is happening right now and not reflect on it.

______________________ ___________________ __________________

This link will take you to a research article from the journal of "Psychological Science":  

http://www.scn.ucla.edu/pdf/AL(2007).pdf

In this article, they study the link between affect labeling and certain chemical responses in the brain.  Their findings are pretty interesting.  It basically says that verbalizing our feelings makes our sadness, anger and pain less intense.  They extend verbalizing to mean not only saying aloud, but also writing down on paper... basically labeling it of any sort.


This gist is:  saying that your angry tells your body that you know that you're angry and it's ok to calm down now.


The science is:  When you have an emotional reaction a part of your brain called the "amygdala" turns on.  It's job is to protect the body in times of danger.  Activation of the amygdala can cause increased heart rate and force of each beat ("pounding heart"); increased muscle tension that can even cause tremors; sweaty but cold palms; and even nausea and diarrhea.


When you label your emotion, either by saying it out loud ("I'm angry") or writing it down on paper, you activate another part of the brain called the "right ventrolateral prefrontal cortex".  This part of the brain is in charge of thinking in words about emotional experiences.  When it turns on, it basically tells the amygdala to chill out; that way your body can calm down and you can stop reacting and start thinking again.

How to raise an emotionally intelligent child

I've been googling a bit to see about tantrums and emotions (both toddlers' and parents'!). This article is taken from the website BabyCenter. I would like to read "proper" books about all this and not just google but as a start:

How to raise an emotionally intelligent child

Toddlers bring new meaning to the word "mercurial." One moment your child is king of the world, running around full of glee; the next he's a raging bull, crying in utter frustration and hurling his toys across the room. Like many parents, you may find it hard to know just how to respond during these trying times.

Experts believe that these childhood meltdowns are the best opportunities to teach your child at an early age — when he's making leaps and bounds in his emotional growth — how to manage strong feelings and calm himself down. And the secure circle of the family is the first and best place to teach these life lessons.

In his book Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child, psychologist John Gottman says that when you help your child understand and handle overwhelming feelings such as anger, frustration, or confusion, you develop his emotional intelligence quotient, or emotional IQ.

And, says Gottman, a child with a high emotional IQ is better able to cope with his feelings, can bring himself down from emotional high-wire acts, understands and relates well with others, and can form strong friendships more easily than a child with a lower emotional IQ.

Other experts have joined the chorus, touting the role of emotional IQ in helping children become confident, responsible, and successful adults who navigate skillfully through interpersonal relationships.

How can you help raise your child's emotional IQ? Gottman teaches a tactic he calls "emotion coaching," a series of steps you can use to teach your child to analyze feelings and handle conflict. Here's how it works:

Listen with empathy.
Pay close attention to your child when he says how he feels, then mirror what he's shared back to him. If you suspect that your child feels abandoned because you've been spending lots of time with the new baby, for example, ask him if that's what's going on. If he agrees, you can say, "You're right. Mommy's been really busy with the baby."

Then, use examples from your own life to show him you understand what he's said. Tell him about how you felt when your own sibling got to go to the amusement park with your father and you didn't, and how your own mom or dad made you feel better. This tells your child that everyone has these feelings, and that they will pass.

Help your child name his feelings.
With limited vocabulary and rudimentary understanding of cause and effect, toddlers often have trouble describing what they feel. You can encourage your child to build an emotional vocabulary by giving him labels for his feelings. If he's acting disappointed about not being able to go to the park, you might say, "You feel sad about that, don't you?"

You can also let him know that it's normal to have conflicting emotions about something — for instance, he may be both excited and scared during his first week at daycare.

If your child seems sad or upset for no immediate reason, try looking at the big picture and thinking about what might be troubling him. Have you moved recently? Did you and your spouse have an argument in his presence? If you're not sure what's going on, watch and listen to him while he plays. If he makes the Mommy doll shout a lot, you'll have a pretty good idea what's bothering him.

Validate your child's emotions.
Instead of saying, "There's no reason to get so upset" when your child gets mad and throws a tantrum because he's unable to put together a puzzle, acknowledge how natural his reaction is. Say, "It's really frustrating when you can't finish a puzzle, isn't it?" Telling him his reactions are inappropriate or excessive will make him feel as if he should muzzle them.

Turn tantrums into teaching tools.
If your child gets upset when he hears that he has an appointment with the dentist, help him feel in control by preparing for the visit. Talk with him about why he's afraid, what he can expect during the visit, and why he needs to go. Tell him about a time you had stage fright before a recital or were scared to start a new job and one of your friends made you feel better. Talking through emotions works the same way for children as it does for most adults.

Use conflicts to teach problem-solving.
When your toddler goes head-to-head with you or another child, make his limits clear, then guide him toward a solution. For example, you can say, "I know you're upset with your sister for knocking over your block tower, but you can't hit her. What else can you do if you get mad?"

If your child doesn't have any ideas, give him options. Anger management specialist Lynne Namka advises telling your child to first check his tummy, jaw, and fists to see if they're tight, breathe deeply "to blow the mad out," and to feel good about recovering control. Then, Namka says, help your child use a strong voice to talk his anger out, beginning with something like, "I feel mad when you yell like that." Children should know that it's okay to be angry, as long as they don't hurt other people for that reason.

Set an example by staying calm.
You'll also want to check how you react to your child's display of emotions. It's important not to be verbally harsh when you're angry. Try saying, "It upsets me when you do that," rather than "You make me crazy," so your child understands that the problem is his behavior, not him. Be careful to avoid excessive criticism, which tends to chip away at a child's self-confidence.

And above all else, stay in touch with your own feelings. Some parents ignore their own negative emotions, hoping to spare their children discomfort or difficulty. But hiding your real feelings will only confuse your child. By acknowledging that you're displeased without acting upset, for instance, you show your child that even difficult feelings can be managed.

Noooooooooooooo

First day back at work after the holidays. All I heard this morning was "no, no, no". Getting ready with any kind of time limit is tough! When it says pet word is "no" in the list below, it's not kidding!  Gesell's Stages Of Development (click for link) 18 Months Period of disequilibrium. This refers to emotional instability - not physical imbalance. Child may have tantrums, laugh one minute, cry the next, get angry and frustrated easily. Seems to walk down one-way street the wrong way from the adult point of view. Asked to "come here," either stands there or runs in opposite direction, may even walk backwards. Asked to put something in the wastebasket, more likely to empty out what is already in it. Hold out your hand to take the just emptied cup and he will drop it to the floor. Give him a second sock to put on and he will probably remove the one already on his foot. Seems to enjoy the opposite, but you can put this to work. If he is running away from you, say "Bye-bye" and walk away from him. He may come running. Seldom obeys a verbal command. Pet word is "No." There are so many abilities he has not yet mastered. He has not yet reached the place where he is easily motivated by words, not yet at the place where he can wait. Efforts to get him to wait are usually doomed to failure. "Now" is the one dimension of time important to him. Interpersonal relations are all "take," and no "give." He may treat people except parents, especially children, as objects, even to the point of stepping on them. He has not begun the concept of sharing. Understands more words than he can say, though that is extremely limited.

Can walk, run, sometimes climb, but balance is very unsteady. Usually has a quick temper and needs to have something "Now." His emotions are as immature as any other part of him. Suggestions for handling: a. Remember he is an extremely immature creature b. Do not call him. Lure, pick up, and carry. c. Physical barriers to prohibit things are much better than verbal. d. Any verbal commands should be short and simple: "Coat, hat, out." e. Keep demands at a minimum. f. Give close and constant physical supervision. g. Give him plenty of outlets for his energy. h. Use guile. Do something interesting to lure him.

Christmas with a toddler - move over angels, here comes Incey Wincey!

1. Our tree is fantastically esoteric. It has a spider J made at the top and much of the decorating was done by him too (eg little "zill" cymbals; luggage labels... and baubles 5 deep on some branches). I love it. Give me that over some I've seen that are so perfect and symetrical and look like shop window ones.

2. J made and ate his first trifle today. We had great fun :-)   First he nibbled every sponge finger he took out of the packet before lining the glass dish with them. When I poured in the tin of fruit salad he quickly hoovered up all the cherries and proceeded to pick out all the other bits he particularly fancied. He helped pour in the jelly and later on when the jelly was cold, he smoothed out the custard and enjoyed licking the spoon. As ever, he took using the electric mixer very seriously (imitating the noise at the same time) as we whipped the double cream. Then came decorating using smarties and grated chocolate. What restraint! He managed to put a whole mini box of smarties on the top without eating a single one. Then scoffed two mini bars of chocolate (meant for grating) :-))  He LOVED eating his masterpiece at the end. I remember asking a German whether they had a word for "trifle" and described it for them... "Kalorienbombe" they said. Yeah - sums it up :-)

3. J started very slowly with present opening. By midday on Christmas day, he'd only opened three presents. It was very gratifying that the Maisy ball I (or rather Father Christmas) had got was a big hit. By the end of the day, he was ripping the paper off new presents every few minutes! There are so many that it continued today and he still has more left for tomorrow. The new Dyson I got him was used for a good 20 minutes to vacuum his cot (he sat in it and cleaned it all). Where does he get this obsession with cleaning from!??

4. Although the first few scenes were rather dull for J, he started to be entranced by the Mary Poppins DVD
when M.P. began singing and dancing. A particular hit was the farmyard scene (Holiday with Mary) where the animals all sing too. Huge grins from J.

5. His love of ripping off the wrapping paper started to be problematic today. He ripped a page from a book and ripped a Christmas card in two. So I put him in his "den" box (huge cardboard box) with all the paper due for recycling and we had a wonderful time ripping, scrunching, throwing and playing peepo.

6. New words: "-ick" (stick) which I heard when we were den-building in the wood yesterday morning (we went for a walk in the vain hope he'd nap as he was exhausted but ended up collecting big sticks and building a den with them - great fun!'); "bye" (said very clearly and with my intonation ie byee... very cute)

7. He acts out a lot of things with his toys. I found him in his cot with three of them in deep conversation (dinosaur, froggy and tiger). He does a good roar for dino and was babbling for the others. His new elephant pressed the button on the train set using her ear. The two elephants were both wagging their tails with pleasure at one point yesterday! (He knows dogs wag their tails and has carried this over to all animals- even the frog whose little label is used as a tail!).

8. He was very happy to sit on Father Christmas' knee at Hatton- some kids have a screaming fit and are scared stiff. And Santa did a high five with him at the end! (Since when did Santa start high fives!!!! Never happened in my day...). We've met quite a few Santas this year. The one at the nursery was a grumpy one - didn't say a word! We bumped into one at the Sports Centre legging it down the stairs (I think he was late for an appearance at a party) - he stopped and handed J a little bag of sweets before running off! Plus the Hatton one. There wasn't a queue when we went so we had a good few minutes chatting.

9. Goodness knows what image of Christmas he has from the advent calendar! Each window is a joke, so there's Good King Wenceslas with his "deep and crisp and even" pizza (J kept pointing at that - he loves pizza); an owl; a duck; a penguin;.... I can't remember them all. The Hatton nativity tableau and story didn't help in terms of the "real" story either. The peacock clearly thought he should have a role in the nativity and strutted about with the sheep and donkey... and the mannequins forming the tableau are all female ones. So you have 3 Wise Men and Joseph all with with beards and bosoms!

10. The best gift for me has been J's sleeping. You may remember that J didn't properly sleep through till about 14 months. I have been desperate to get him to bed earlier - it's often ended up 8.30 and sometimes much later. The lack of bath is a real pain (I know, I should be used to it by now...). No time for much other than clearing up and preparing for work afterwards if he doesn't go down till late.

Well we've had 2 instances of getting to bed by 8pm now, and he's been wanting to stay in his bed till gone 8am for several days. Bliss. He makes noises loud enough to wake me up while he's sleeping (especially after about 6am) - but I don't need to go in to see him. There are lots of things that affect his sleep of course: teething his molars has been problematic recently; not having the cast on unsettles him (must feel odd when he has it 13 out of 14 days); he's been wheezy and coughing lately too - but if we can have runs of good nights like this, I'll be a different person :-)

Hope everyone reading had as much fun (especially the non-traditional things) as we did this Christmas. I'll try and post photos - you'll love the tree :-)    Got to take advantage of Sleeping Beauty next door and get some shuteye myself now though. Gute Nacht. Schlaf gut!   

The Tiger Who Came To Tea

Yesterday we took J to the theatre for the first time and saw The Tiger Who Came To Tea.

One word sums up the experience: brilliant :-)

J loved it.

It had elements of slapstick ("Daddy" is quite a clown, putting his shoes in the toaster and the tea cosy on his head), pantomime (the characters on the stage don't see the Tiger when he first appears, so there's lots of calling out), and musicals (singing and dancing eg Tiger-obics, which we all were encouraged to get up and join in with). Plus there were ideas which are very appealing to toddlers/pre-schoolers, for example food, doorbells and ticking/chiming clocks.

Since J's concentration is usually very good and he loves music/dancing, I thought it would be ok but he was fantastic - he sat on my lap for the whole hour and was utterly entranced by the whole experience. He joined in with the clapping and since we were sitting just 3 rows from the stage, everything felt very immediate and powerful.

I can't wait to take him to the theatre again. I hope they repeat the Gruffalo soon - he was too young when that was last being staged, but as a great fan of the book, I think he'd very much enjoy the play.

Ha ha :-)

Hooray for Christmas lights

J pointed out of the window and went "bang" for many nights after bonfire night... He soooo enjoyed the fireworks - not just the ones we could see from home, but the local Round Table display as well! Not every 18 month old's cup of tea I know! Unexpected noises can startle him, but when he knows what it is, he's quite tolerant (eg the vacuum cleaner starting up unexpectedly is a bit scary, but then there's no stopping J. He is happy to vacuum for hours! We were staying at friends last week and practically burned out their poor Henry. It's genuine cleaning too - he's good at spotting where dirt is).

Having to say "no, no more fireworks for another *twelve* months" was hard (though it doesn't mean much to him!).

Now we can see lots of Christmas lights out of the window. Several of my neighbours have gone overboard and during dinner, we turn the main light off and admire the flashing and twinkling. J has been signing "twinkle" and "left/right" (I was commenting on how some of the lights looked like they were going one way and then the other).

Thank goodness we've got something to replace the fireworks :-) 

I'll have to see where there are good local displays (Oxford Street is a bit of a trek, but maybe Birmingham??)

(this isn't near us, thank goodness - though it would keep J amused for a long while. Heaven knows what their electricity bill is!!)