Simplify Your Morning Routine

This is a lazy blog! Below is an article lifted directly from Attachment Parenting International .

I know the theory of a morning routine (ie prepare the night before) but am caught off-guard so often by J (eg him waking at 5.45am like this morning and therefore removing any time I thought I might have to shower/dress before he wanted me). It's a shame these tips don't give guidance as to what age is being referred to. J is 23 months old - what is reasonable to expect of him? I like the idea of using these to "get my mental engine revving" (as the author puts it). Brrm. Brrm.

Simplify Your Morning Routine (click for link)

By Sharon Chinn-Heritch

How can I make my mornings flow more smoothly? This is one of life's perennial questions. In order to help my fellow moms, I'm sharing some of the tips that have helped me make mornings work better for my family. Credit also goes to the Flylady Marla Cilley, and Deneice Shofield.

Tip #1. A good morning starts the afternoon before. By this I mean get your child (or children) started down that road toward bedtime early enough so that you are not caught by surprise when it's past time for them to be in bed, and that snowballs into you getting to bed late, and waking up already behind. With enough sleep you can do more than you thought possible. But only with adequate rest can you do your personal best.
[yes, yes, yes!!! I totally agree. But much easier said than done. We still haven't changed our biological clocks and the actual change to summer time happened over a week ago!!!!]

Tip #2. Take responsibility for getting yourself to bed on time. Yes, yes, I know all that needs to be done, and how the buck stops at your door. Babies don't watch clocks, and toddlers don't ask permission to get stomach viruses. Take care of them, of course. But we do have our own little vices that keep us away from our beds. Sometimes it's over-cleaning, believe it or not. Mine are Law & Order, Queer Eye, and CSI, not to mention computer time and reading. Sometimes my husband even makes the list of distractions! OK, that one's worth it. But seriously, choices have to be made. Do you even remember the plot of the TV show you sacrificed to stay up and watch last week? Enough said.

Tip #3. Have a before-bed routine that includes checking your schedule for the next day, checking the weather forecast, and choosing your clothes for the next day. There's nothing to throw a monkey wrench in your day like waking up at your normal time to find you were expected at the dentist half an hour earlier.

Tip #4. Get up before your little ones and get dressed all the way to your shoes. Easier to do as the babies get older, but the advantages are that you are ready for anything, and as you know, moms have to be ready for anything because . . . things happen. Put on your sunscreen/moisturizer and whatever makeup you like to wear, because it's unlikely you'll have a chance to go back and do it later in the day.
[lovely when I do do this... but sometimes it's absolutely impossible]

Tip #5. Get your morning medicines lined up in the order you need to take them by putting them in pill-a-day pillboxes. Keep it up high so it's out of range of little hands but where you'll see it every morning. Mine goes in the cupboard that I open every morning to make breakfast. Some physicians recommend that healthy people take "daily" vitamins only every other day - that's what mine told me to do. But I was always forgetting whether today was a vitamin day or not. The problem was solved by taking my vitamin on even numbered days. A slight adjustment is needed at the start of the month, and my brain is free from one more burden.

Tip #6. Begin to train your children to dress themselves from a very young age. Slow but steady, that's the ticket. If you take over and do it for them, compliant children can become convinced that they're incompetent and give up trying, while others are more (ahem) . . . persistent, insisting on doing it themselves and will create huge power struggles over buttoning buttons and pulling on shirts. It's an investment of time that pays off big dividends when they can dress themselves in the morning while you're showering and (gasp!) Fixing Your Hair. Well, maybe they'll need some supervision and some help putting the extra clothes back in the drawer after they've finished getting dressed, but it's still a big help.
[I'm aware of the need to start this. J can undress quite well when he chooses - but we need to work at the dressing.]

Tip #7. Plastic dishes & cups (at least for the children) on a low shelf where children can reach them make getting breakfast easier. My son's earliest set of "dishes" were Tupperware lids. We had a lot of them, they were free, unbreakable, and did the job well. So while you make the toast and get the orange juice from the refrigerator, you can ask your child to bring you his plate and cup to fill. It really saves time.
Lots of breakfast foods are child-friendly. You may have a special drawer in the refrigerator and shelf in the pantry for foods that your children are permitted to prepare for themselves, e.g. dry cereal if they can't pour milk yet, string cheese or cheese cubes, bread, hard boiled eggs, sliced meats, washed fruits.
[I think I may try putting J's cups and dishes in an accessible place - it's worth a try]

Tip #8. If a child is old enough to carry a plate, he or she is old enough to carry it to the sink when the meal is over. Make this a habit, and your life will be much simpler. Use phrases like "Let's make the table clean and clear!" to explain your goal. Using simple directions is, of course, necessary at first. But let your child understand that the job isn't finished until the table is completely cleared off - not just when his or her part is done.
[We're not in the habit of doing this. I get J to wipe his "tray" on the high chair from time to time, but it's not an everyday expectation. No reason why not. I'll try it!]


Well, that's enough to chew on for quite a while. None of these tips are meant to be set in stone. Everything has to adjust to the needs and constraints of particular families. Use them as a starting point to get your mental engine revving and you'll probably come up with lots of ideas that you can share with our group too.

I look forward to reading your ideas!

how to praise children

I would like to refine my praise of J and found the following message board post interesting:

"I took a parenting class last year and while I didn't love everything about it, I think I got a few good skills from it.

The class stressed descriptive praise versus evaluative praise This comes up all the time on these lists. Saying, "wow, you're eating with a fork." rather than, "good job." The kid needs to know what exactly they are doing that is good. It's also helpful in the what-the-kid-can-do arena versus all the stop-it-knock-it-off reminders: feet on the floor versus quit jumping on the bed.

Next step after learning how to talk like that (very difficult, still working on it because I do find it is helpful), is to figure out what sort of values you want to be working on: cooperation, self-reliance, independence, kindness, generosity. Then you have to attach the values to the behaviour.

Example: "I noticed you're eating with a fork. That demonstrates good table manners." "I noticed that you dressed yourself this morning. That shows self-reliance."

The instructor made a point of saying "that shows self-reliance" versus "you are self-reliant" She argues that the child needs to make the connection between a behaviour showing self-reliance and determining for his/herself that he/she is self-reliant."



A Squash and a Squeeze

Do you know the wonderful book 'A Squash and A Squeeze' by Julia Donaldson? It's one of our favourites.

It's a rhyming fable that tells of a little old lady who thinks her home is too small. A wise man tells her to take in a succession of animals so that it really is a squash in the house. When she follows his advice to take them out, she finds the house is enormous. An important lesson in appreciating what you have.

"Wise old man, won’t you help me, please?

My house is a squash and a squeeze.”

Well, the updated version which we have lived through at home involves a gigantic treadmill that was bought with very good intentions. It became part of the furniture (including being decorated with lights at Christmas!) but was finally sold on e-bay a couple of weeks ago. Hurrah!

Our home really does feel enormous now. I might even tap out a jig like the cow in the story to celebrate...

More tips for supporting a toddler's emotional development (taken from Baby Corner)

Tips for Supporting Your Toddler's Emotional Development

by Dr. Clare Albright


1. Label the emotions that your child may be feeling when they go through experiences that could stimulate emotions. For example, if they slip you can say, "That was scary," and when they look angry you can say, "You're feeling angry right now." This will help your child to understand what is happening to them and to be able to make good choices about how to cope with their emotions.

2. Mirror your child when they share negative emotions by repeating back their sentence to them. If your child says, "I'm scared," you can say, "This is scary for you!" This lets your child know that you care about their pain and that you can connect with them on that level. Most parents jump quickly to reassuring or to educational responses, which can leave the child feeling unheard and alone with their negative emotions.

3. Tell your child what you are feeling when their behavior is upsetting to you. By using a direct approach when communicating, you can protect your child from the guilt and shame that they may internalize because of your unspoken, non-verbal behavior.

4. Tell your child, "I am angry right now," instead of the common third person variation, "Mommy is feeling angry right now." This role-models using "I" statements and creates more vulnerability and intimacy in the parent-child relationship.

5. Remember that your toddler's emotional "storms" are only a phase that will soon pass. When your child throws tantrums, prefers one parent over the other, or says 'no' continually it may be wiser to ignore their behavior rather than to 'tangle' with it, 'engage' with it or to try to use discipline. These 'storms' often disappear as children become more confident and secure about being a separate person from their parents and having their own identity - usually by the age of four.

6. Invest extra time to allow your child to try to do things on their own. Toddlers love to experiment with putting on clothing, pouring the juice, housecleaning, etc. This is the developmental stage where your main role is fostering your child's trust in his/her own self.

7. Use feeling words to strengthen your intimacy with your child and their capacity to be intimate with others. An easy way to form strong bonds with others is to share your feelings and reactions with them. Role model this skill for your child.

8. Consider investing in counseling for yourself. Your child is most likely going to become a "clone" of who you are in the area of emotions. If you are irritable, bitter, or anxious, your child is likely to walk in your footsteps and to become stuck in the same emotional pot holes that you are stuck in.

Verbalising feelings

The quote below is taken from the "how to mom" blog http://www.howtomom.info/2012/02/verbalizing-feelings.html. By verbalising feelings we feel calmer - the blog gives a link to a scientific paper explaining from a physical point of view the areas of the brain that are affected.

I was very aware of how a friend ("A") at the weekend was dealing with her daughter who's 2 in a few days time. "A" was helping her daughter verbalise "being cross". She was also giving clear reasons for why she was asking her to do things (eg "Put those [branches of holly berries] down. The berries can make you poorly"). "A" is training to be a psychiatrist and is very calm when dealing with her feisty toddler. I found it very helpful to see these things in practice.

I would like to help J verbalise more - at this stage he doesn't have much vocabulary (though since last Friday he now says a very clear "choc-let" - in exactly the same way as the "Little Britain" Fatfighters character Marjorie Dawes does :-) ) - so it's a question of me giving him the words to help label the frustration etc.

I see other people who deal with toddler outbursts with too much reassurance or criticism - "there's no need for all that" or "what's the matter now?" (these are things I have heard people say to J). I will try and keep a log of how I deal with different things over a few days - it's too easy (especially since we're so busy) to just deal with whatever is happening right now and not reflect on it.

______________________ ___________________ __________________

This link will take you to a research article from the journal of "Psychological Science":  

http://www.scn.ucla.edu/pdf/AL(2007).pdf

In this article, they study the link between affect labeling and certain chemical responses in the brain.  Their findings are pretty interesting.  It basically says that verbalizing our feelings makes our sadness, anger and pain less intense.  They extend verbalizing to mean not only saying aloud, but also writing down on paper... basically labeling it of any sort.


This gist is:  saying that your angry tells your body that you know that you're angry and it's ok to calm down now.


The science is:  When you have an emotional reaction a part of your brain called the "amygdala" turns on.  It's job is to protect the body in times of danger.  Activation of the amygdala can cause increased heart rate and force of each beat ("pounding heart"); increased muscle tension that can even cause tremors; sweaty but cold palms; and even nausea and diarrhea.


When you label your emotion, either by saying it out loud ("I'm angry") or writing it down on paper, you activate another part of the brain called the "right ventrolateral prefrontal cortex".  This part of the brain is in charge of thinking in words about emotional experiences.  When it turns on, it basically tells the amygdala to chill out; that way your body can calm down and you can stop reacting and start thinking again.

How to raise an emotionally intelligent child

I've been googling a bit to see about tantrums and emotions (both toddlers' and parents'!). This article is taken from the website BabyCenter. I would like to read "proper" books about all this and not just google but as a start:

How to raise an emotionally intelligent child

Toddlers bring new meaning to the word "mercurial." One moment your child is king of the world, running around full of glee; the next he's a raging bull, crying in utter frustration and hurling his toys across the room. Like many parents, you may find it hard to know just how to respond during these trying times.

Experts believe that these childhood meltdowns are the best opportunities to teach your child at an early age — when he's making leaps and bounds in his emotional growth — how to manage strong feelings and calm himself down. And the secure circle of the family is the first and best place to teach these life lessons.

In his book Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child, psychologist John Gottman says that when you help your child understand and handle overwhelming feelings such as anger, frustration, or confusion, you develop his emotional intelligence quotient, or emotional IQ.

And, says Gottman, a child with a high emotional IQ is better able to cope with his feelings, can bring himself down from emotional high-wire acts, understands and relates well with others, and can form strong friendships more easily than a child with a lower emotional IQ.

Other experts have joined the chorus, touting the role of emotional IQ in helping children become confident, responsible, and successful adults who navigate skillfully through interpersonal relationships.

How can you help raise your child's emotional IQ? Gottman teaches a tactic he calls "emotion coaching," a series of steps you can use to teach your child to analyze feelings and handle conflict. Here's how it works:

Listen with empathy.
Pay close attention to your child when he says how he feels, then mirror what he's shared back to him. If you suspect that your child feels abandoned because you've been spending lots of time with the new baby, for example, ask him if that's what's going on. If he agrees, you can say, "You're right. Mommy's been really busy with the baby."

Then, use examples from your own life to show him you understand what he's said. Tell him about how you felt when your own sibling got to go to the amusement park with your father and you didn't, and how your own mom or dad made you feel better. This tells your child that everyone has these feelings, and that they will pass.

Help your child name his feelings.
With limited vocabulary and rudimentary understanding of cause and effect, toddlers often have trouble describing what they feel. You can encourage your child to build an emotional vocabulary by giving him labels for his feelings. If he's acting disappointed about not being able to go to the park, you might say, "You feel sad about that, don't you?"

You can also let him know that it's normal to have conflicting emotions about something — for instance, he may be both excited and scared during his first week at daycare.

If your child seems sad or upset for no immediate reason, try looking at the big picture and thinking about what might be troubling him. Have you moved recently? Did you and your spouse have an argument in his presence? If you're not sure what's going on, watch and listen to him while he plays. If he makes the Mommy doll shout a lot, you'll have a pretty good idea what's bothering him.

Validate your child's emotions.
Instead of saying, "There's no reason to get so upset" when your child gets mad and throws a tantrum because he's unable to put together a puzzle, acknowledge how natural his reaction is. Say, "It's really frustrating when you can't finish a puzzle, isn't it?" Telling him his reactions are inappropriate or excessive will make him feel as if he should muzzle them.

Turn tantrums into teaching tools.
If your child gets upset when he hears that he has an appointment with the dentist, help him feel in control by preparing for the visit. Talk with him about why he's afraid, what he can expect during the visit, and why he needs to go. Tell him about a time you had stage fright before a recital or were scared to start a new job and one of your friends made you feel better. Talking through emotions works the same way for children as it does for most adults.

Use conflicts to teach problem-solving.
When your toddler goes head-to-head with you or another child, make his limits clear, then guide him toward a solution. For example, you can say, "I know you're upset with your sister for knocking over your block tower, but you can't hit her. What else can you do if you get mad?"

If your child doesn't have any ideas, give him options. Anger management specialist Lynne Namka advises telling your child to first check his tummy, jaw, and fists to see if they're tight, breathe deeply "to blow the mad out," and to feel good about recovering control. Then, Namka says, help your child use a strong voice to talk his anger out, beginning with something like, "I feel mad when you yell like that." Children should know that it's okay to be angry, as long as they don't hurt other people for that reason.

Set an example by staying calm.
You'll also want to check how you react to your child's display of emotions. It's important not to be verbally harsh when you're angry. Try saying, "It upsets me when you do that," rather than "You make me crazy," so your child understands that the problem is his behavior, not him. Be careful to avoid excessive criticism, which tends to chip away at a child's self-confidence.

And above all else, stay in touch with your own feelings. Some parents ignore their own negative emotions, hoping to spare their children discomfort or difficulty. But hiding your real feelings will only confuse your child. By acknowledging that you're displeased without acting upset, for instance, you show your child that even difficult feelings can be managed.

Noooooooooooooo

First day back at work after the holidays. All I heard this morning was "no, no, no". Getting ready with any kind of time limit is tough! When it says pet word is "no" in the list below, it's not kidding!  Gesell's Stages Of Development (click for link) 18 Months Period of disequilibrium. This refers to emotional instability - not physical imbalance. Child may have tantrums, laugh one minute, cry the next, get angry and frustrated easily. Seems to walk down one-way street the wrong way from the adult point of view. Asked to "come here," either stands there or runs in opposite direction, may even walk backwards. Asked to put something in the wastebasket, more likely to empty out what is already in it. Hold out your hand to take the just emptied cup and he will drop it to the floor. Give him a second sock to put on and he will probably remove the one already on his foot. Seems to enjoy the opposite, but you can put this to work. If he is running away from you, say "Bye-bye" and walk away from him. He may come running. Seldom obeys a verbal command. Pet word is "No." There are so many abilities he has not yet mastered. He has not yet reached the place where he is easily motivated by words, not yet at the place where he can wait. Efforts to get him to wait are usually doomed to failure. "Now" is the one dimension of time important to him. Interpersonal relations are all "take," and no "give." He may treat people except parents, especially children, as objects, even to the point of stepping on them. He has not begun the concept of sharing. Understands more words than he can say, though that is extremely limited.

Can walk, run, sometimes climb, but balance is very unsteady. Usually has a quick temper and needs to have something "Now." His emotions are as immature as any other part of him. Suggestions for handling: a. Remember he is an extremely immature creature b. Do not call him. Lure, pick up, and carry. c. Physical barriers to prohibit things are much better than verbal. d. Any verbal commands should be short and simple: "Coat, hat, out." e. Keep demands at a minimum. f. Give close and constant physical supervision. g. Give him plenty of outlets for his energy. h. Use guile. Do something interesting to lure him.